Just ride it out...

Zac had his one year review yesterday, even though he's only 10 months old. (No me neither.) Anyway he decided to behave for the somewhat over enthusiastic, happy clappy but likeable Nikki the health visitor/worker/whatever. I got the impression it was more a case of not finding out if Zac was progressing well but if we were making a pigs ear of being parents.

Zac was weighed and measured (that was a first! No one seems to measure babies anymore, or maybe it's just ours they don't bother with?) and he was 'average' except for his height which was above average, which we had guessed long ago. Then happy clappy Nikki informed us Zac will be average weight "as you two are average." Huh? How does that work? What if he decides he only wants to eat Hob-Nobs dipped in lard forever more like those stories that always crop up in the tabloids at least once a year like '7 year old eats only chips!' 'Teen only eaten jam sandwiches for the past 10 years!!' you know the kind of crap. No, Mystic Nik could instantly tell Zac will be average weight because his parents are. Come to think of it how did she know we were average weight? 

Anyway, she asked if we had any concerns (I presume she meant Zac and not the current events in Syria) and we asked if it was normal that Zac had become, to put it politely, a 'little shit' since learning to walk (I didn't actually call him a little shit to happy clappy Nikki for fear of losing valuable parenting points) and she said it was perfectly normal.

Now don't get me wrong I love my son dearly but since learning to walk he has changed. I swear he has made a pact with the devil to be able cause the ultimate mischief in exchange for being able to walk early. There was a time not long ago when  Zac would happily have his nappy changed or he happily let you dress him. Now it's like wrestling with an anaconda whilst he screams like a couple of foxes simultaneously shagging and being murdered. He just won't lie still and we now have to change his nappy whilst he stands up, which ain't easy I can tell you! But apparently this along with constantly pulling out the contents of the kitchen bin, throwing shoes off the shoe rack, ripping pages from books and eating them, in fact just eating paper in general, standing in the toy box to reach the radio/tv is perfectly normal once your sprog starts becoming mobile and independent. Thankfully happy clappy Nikki was able to offer some invaluable advice - "just ride it out" In fact she was so impressed with her own advice she said it twice just to hammer it home "just ride it out... Just ride it out" whilst making a gesture with her hands as though she were smoothing out a table cloth. To be honest I would rather she had just said "You're fucked! Welcome to parenthood!" whilst laughing manically before disappearing in a puff of green smoke. To be fair she did hint at it by saying "they call it the terrible twos but it starts waaaaaaaaay before that" Thanks.

On the plus side it was good to hear its normal and not because we are crap at being parents, which is highly likely as the midwives forgot to give  us the instructional manual for Zac in our haste to leave the hospital 10 months ago but I did think they would pop it in the post once they realised they still had it but we're still waiting for it to drop through the letter box. (If anyone does have a spare copy of the 'son' edition of the baby instruction manual we would be most grateful if you could pass it on as I can't seem to find one on eBay or Gumtree, ta) The only part of the review which brought a puzzled look to happy clappy Nikki's otherwise smiley face was the answer to a question which has also concerned the missus for the past couple of months, that question being "does he clap" and the answer being a resounding "no!"

Zac has never clapped and to my knowledge has never even attempted too. The missus has constantly told me he should be clapping by now but why? Who decrees when you should start clapping? The one thing I have learnt about being a new parent is that facts and figures and goals are constantly thrust down your throat by health workers, who I might add spend half their time contradicting each other, in order to assess how well your little one is progressing. The only trouble is new parents (and to a large extent health workers) forget the meaning of the term 'average.' It does not mean every single baby should be doing certain things by certain a certain age, it just means its likely to happen in that time frame. By the very definition of the word average some babies will reach these goals way before, some way after. Zac had been lucky enough to start walking early, where as babies younger than him can already clap. Some babies can start stacking cups by ten months, Zac just prefers knocking down any stacking tower he spies. He will happily put smaller stacking cups in side larger ones but he will not even attempt to stack them. As far as I'm concerned Zac is just too cool to clap. He will in his own time but at the moment he just hasn't found anything worth clapping about. Likewise with stacking. He just stares at me with a look of indifference as I build a tower and is probably thinking 'why should I waste my time stacking cups when dad seems to have more fun building towers larger than the last one?' Just as with us adults, all through our lives, we all learn things at our own pace and at different stages of our lives whether it be learning to drive, learning how to play a musical instrument, learning a new language, learning to swim, etc. Sadly too much pressure is placed upon new parents to make them feel their little one is somehow 'inadequate' if they do not reach a certain target at a set time. I'm sure once you have your second or third child you know the score and are more relaxed at just let things happen at their own pace, but when you're a new parent you feel you have to reach these targets or you are a bad parent or a failure. Fortunately none of that really bothers me, I can see how happy Zac is, how healthy he is, and love how he's now testing us with his new found cheeky ways. It's just hard trying to convince the missus to think the same way. 

Don't get me wrong, I know these targets and goals are there for a reason and to get some idea of how your baby is progressing and developing and but its only an average, a rough time scale, they are not written in stone and if your little one is not currently achieving what he/she is supposed to at that the age the 'experts' (half of whom probably don't even have children) have decreed then DON'T WORRY it will happen in sooner or later. 

In the words of happy clappy Nikki "just ride it out... just ride it out."

Now THAT'S sick... innit

Sick(1): a term used by the 'yoot' of today to denote what they consider is cool. The term cool is definitely not sick in their opinion and by the time you read this they will probably have a new word to express their delight in things they consider outstanding. I personally hope it's 'turnip' as its just as rediculous as sick in my opinion. Eg "Damn G those kicks is turnip!" (Translation: "good day my friend, I think your training shoes look great")

Sick(2): the contents of your littles ones stomach regurgitated and spewed over his cot at 1:30am that sends you, the parent, into a panic.

Well it had to happen eventually, after ten months, and not including the constant baby spew of formula for the first 3 or 4 months, Zac was sick for the first time last night.
He usually 'wakes' about once a night with a little cry but he's usually still actually asleep and a quick re-pop of his dummy into his mouth is enough to send him instantly back to the land of nod.
But last night I could tell something was up when the missus jumped out of bed at 1:30am to attend our little bundle of mischief and she didn't return to bed within the usual 30second time limit that denotes that everything is fine.
Oh no, suddenly lights went on, crying was heard (Zac not the missus) then she appeared in the doorway holding him saying "he's been sick."
I rose from my slumber to join her in the nusery (posh way of saying Zacs room, formally know as the spare room) to find her cradling Zac and the smallest amount of proper vomit (it even had carrots in it!) on the mattress. Then she said "do you think he looks pale?"

I took hold of him, took him into the living room where the light was better and "sweet baby Jesus!!! He was white as the proverbial sheet (his actual sheets were a light coffee colour on the night in question)
He looked like a kind of devil child from some horror movie, he was all pale white skin and dark squinting eyes! It was one of those heart racing middle of the night scenarios when you're still half asleep but the adrenalin has started pumping and your mind is racing, asking no end of questions like
"What's the matter with him?"
"Is he seriously ill?"
"Do I need to get him to a hospital?"
"How will I get him to a hospital?" (We don't have a car)
"What should I do?"
"Has he got a temperature?"
"Is it food poisoning?"
"Will we have to stay up with him all night?"
"Will Arsene Wenger ever sign up any new players?"
"How did that bloke mistake salt for sugar on this weeks Great British Bake Off? The muppet"
"Why is Lana Del Rey such a miserable cow?"

Well, after establishing he didn't have a temperature and a quick cuddle on mums lap and a few sips of water whilst dad changed the cot sheet, Zacs colour returned along with his smile and then when he spied his toy box in front of the TV and made a dash for it we assumed he must be OK.

I scooped him up into my arms and turned to see the missus silently mouthing in that exaggerated way that only parents do "HE'S NOT GOING TO GO BACK TO SLEEP NOW IS HE?"
The exact same fear was going through my head and I had visions of playing stacking cups and chase me until 5am!

As it turned out I lay him in his cot turned out his light and he turned over and went to sleep without a sound until 6am!!! Now that was sick!

One small step for baby, one giant headache for mum and dad

Days away from being a full 10 months and Zac has decided that he's had a enough of crawling and that toddling is the future. Yep the lil monkey is now attempting to walk at every turn. This in turn brings its own headaches for us, the parents. He can now reach even more things, mainly those things we thought were safe on the dining table, unless they are all crammed into the centre of the table like the spoils of some bizarre treasure hunt. We now have even less space to store everyday 'stuff' safely without curious little hands making a grab for them and shoving them in his mouth.
As for the actual 'walking' its like watching a tightrope walker crossing the Grand Canyon in gale force winds! You just know there will be a fall at any moment but its mainly out of your hands. All you really do is frantically clear a path tree from stacking cups, maracas, rusk covered iPads and other such items littering the carpet.
But nothing fills you with more pride than when your little cheeky monkey reaches their intended destination, usually you or the sofa, without a tumble and they look around for the applause usually reserved for top athletes finishing the 100m sprint final.

Now, if I can just teach him rudimentary maths in the next couple of days he should be able to fetch the milk from the corner shop by this time next week!

Where's the baby gone?

Hi, I'm mistadoov (as in Mr Doov) you may know me from other such social networks as Facebook, with my infamous rants, and where I can keep a watchful eye over my friends and family scattered the world over, oh and the grans and aunties get to see pics and video clips of Zac (more on him later) Instagram - where I display far too many shots of the supercars of Knightsbridge and London from my lunchtime hobby of supercar spotting - very sad, I know, but bizarrely i now have over a thousand people following me!?!? Twitter - no idea, a bandwagon I jumped on years ago and promptly fell asleep on and finally Google+ -even less of an idea, I've probably been evicted by now for non-use of services or something.

Anyway enough of all that, I'm here now to blog. I'm not really sure what the point of blogs are,to me they just seem to be online diaries which the nosy of the world can feast on. But i have been requested by several friends to write one for years now but never felt the urge until I started to read Benopause by my mate Benja and the wonderful Knittenden by Chloe Chittenden about the trials, tribulations and joys of being a new parent. 

I myself became a new parent to Zac, with my partner 'the missus' in October last year. Ten months on and I'm still really none the wiser but happier than ever. But what i really want to know is where's the baby gone? 

Now I don't mean for one minute that I'm a useless new father who took baby Zac for a walk, got distracted by a pair of Air Jordan 3's in the window of House of Hoops and proceeded to forget all about Zac until i suddenly woke up in a cold sweat two days later wondering where I had left him, no, what I mean is what happened to that little helpless tiny bundle of puke and poop, sorry JOY, we brought home 10 months ago?!?

Seriously both me and the missus look at each other, then at Zac, then back at each other then at the empty space that Zac has just vacated, panic, grab Zac, plonk him back down in view and one of us will say "I thought he would be a baby for a lot longer than this." Seriously they grow soooo fast and no one tells you this. Well actually every single person who's ever had a baby tells you to "make the most of this time, they don't stay babies for long!" and you just think "yeah your brain has just been frazzled by years of watching your kids grow up" but they these people are right and should be listened too! Unfortunately though when your bundle of wobbly headed static joy is what is technically classed as a 'newborn' you, as a new parent, are just too knackered to fully appreciate it - unless your are Jay-Z and Beyonce and have round the clock childcare, though if Mr Z's new album is anything to go by you can tell he's had more than his fair share of sleepless nights since Blu-Ivy was born. In fact I think the contents of one of baby Blu's napp... sorry diaper (they are American after all) contains more artistic merit than the Jay's new album, but i digress... 

The point is before you know it your little one is crawling, you are getting more sleep (god willing) and suddenly your little one is starting to interact with you, become a cheeky little monkey and much more interesting than the 'creature' that just slept, cried, fed, crapped, stared and puked all over you for the first few months of their lives. I for one love this stage of development and it seems to be a common thing with dads whereas the missus now misses her little bundle of joy that she used to cuddle and is already getting broody for another one (good grief!!) 

Well this has been a somewhat shaky start to the world of blogging but (some of) you asked for it so there it is. I will try and keep you all up to date on my adventures of being a new dad from a blokes point of view, but don't hold your breath. 

Until next time, in the words of Sergeant Phil Esterhaus,(Hill Street Blues - just google it ya lazy sods) 

 "Lets be careful out there" 

Doov

For Chloe and Sooz.